Broken, scathed, scarred, and worst, shattered like tiny pieces of sharp-edged fragments of glasses. Barely breathing, barely breathing, barely breathing,

You are drowning in a sea of sadness, pulled by the strong currents of pain, lost in the middle of the ocean of melancholy. It has been set; you are barely surviving the storm of anguish. Everyone else seems to be too oblivious by your cries for help. Despite screaming in desperation, your muffled shouts for saving are muted by the loud boom of the rest of the world’s problems.

Small, small, small. You feel worthless and small. You feel neglected and rejected and abandoned. You feel frantic to keep going, but too tired to run or walk or crawl. You feel everything and nothing all at once, until it makes you numb.

Is this how you feel right now?

Let’s rephrase that.

Healing, nurtured, marked, and most importantly, rebuilding like small chunks of concrete stacked higher, making stronger foundations. Almost there, almost there, almost there.

You are floating in the clouds of hope, strength restored by the soft caress of the gentle wind of forgiveness and acceptance. It has been set; you are a work in progress, slowly standing up on your tippy-toes and reaching for help. Everyone may seem too unfocused to notice, but they can see you. They can see how hard you are trying to reconstruct your walls and nitty-gritties, and they are trying to reach for your hand too. Despite your sharp edges and pointed stares, they are taking the risk just to hold you tight.

Enough, enough, enough. You feel worth it and more than enough. You are standing on your own, with the sunshine waiting for you to come back to him. The lines drawn upon your heart, straight to your soul, are a reminder that you have won your battles, and you are still fighting and trying and winning.

You are not giving up.

It’s tiring to run or walk or even crawl from where you are to where you should be. But it will be worth it. You will see.

Do not give up, my love. Embrace your imperfections and proudly and loudly say that yes, you are winning your battles, and yes, you are going to win the war ahead.

You are a work in progress, a masterpiece carefully sculpted and painted. Just keep it going, and you will see your own beauty.

Sincerely,

The Broken and Healed

“to the person who keeps trying”

Breathing. Heavily breathing. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.

You keep trying and trying and trying and trying, but there seems to be no progress. Your hand clutches the thin thread of silver lining, but it slips away from your gasp too easily. You’re trying to hold your breath, trying to suppress it all, trying to hold it in, but not really trying at all.

Useless. Nothing. None. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t do it. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing. But the resistance against your force is too compelling. It’s impossible to win. Improbable to succeed. You can’t.

Sometimes you just can’t do it anymore. Your efforts seem to go to waste, there seem to be none at all. Nobody sees how hard you’re trying. Nobody hears your cries of pain. Nobody.

There isn’t anything you can do, because you are drowning. Drowning. Barely breathing. Barely breathing. Barely breathing.

You’re human too, why can’t they see? You’re human too, isn’t that true?

You feel left out. You feel corrupted. You feel hollow. You feel ashamed. You feel neglected. You feel misunderstood and misjudged. You feel that you’re all alone and done for. It’s as if the world around you completely wraps you in a dark blanket. Whenever it’s somber outside, you feel like you’re represented by the hollows of tomorrow.

You’re trying. You’re trying. You’re trying. But there isn’t a single person who can see your worth, your hardships, your agony, your misery. All of them. All of them. All they do is pin your frail body against a wall, and yell your sins, carve your mistakes, and slash your wounds deeper with nothing but the sharpest weapon of all: words.

You are tired. Tired.

They would tell you, “We’re all tired, sad, and in pain. Stop complaining.”

But have they ever thought of how much you’ve put into this matter, just to push on with it and continue living, and trying, and going? Have they ever thought of how hard you’ve tried, only for you to be set aside, belittled?

But love, let me tell you this:

You are not abandoned. You are not alone.

If there’s one thing you need to know first, it’s this. If there’s something that needs to be emphasized, it’s this. If there’s a thing that you should keep in mind, it’s this. You are not, and never will be, alone.

It’s okay if you’re tired of trying. It’s okay if you’re tired of pushing through. It’s okay.

It’s okay.

We’re all going through different battles, we’re all fighting monsters of our own, but that doesn’t mean your pain is invalid. That doesn’t mean you are invalid.

You keep trying and trying and trying. Small progress is still progress, slow progress is still progress. No matter how narrow, how steep, how unhurried, how consuming your progress is, progress is still progress.

Don’t let your monsters win over you. Instead, let the galaxies and stars within your eyes and soul rule over your psyche. Let yourself breathe.

It’s hard. Of course, it is. But love, it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re trying. Do a pause, but don’t give up. You’re a warrior, after all.

Just keep doing it. Soon, all will be well.

All will be well.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who’s Also Trying

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suppressed, stuffed with dried up tears

and dreams that remain as dreams,

words unsaid and crumpled up thoughts,

neatly folded emotions and everything

that otherwise comes across as fantasy

so one day when i get too full and start to spill

of “i’m sorry’s” and damned ironies

throw me out into sea

watch the glass shatter,

into a whirlpool i’ll be

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with which its crescendos supposedly meant to overpower that of the voices

it wasn’t in the silence casted,

kissing the shores, voids dissipating into sand temporarily, miraculously

and staring down the sea,

its bottomless pit staring back

was the advent of a homecoming long awaited

there was no tragedy in skin trailing with saltwater,

or in the currents’ arms rushing out,

wrapping her in a long embrace

there was no tragedy in a body sinking, following through the force into a quicksand of a vortex underwater

the tragedy wasn’t found in her lungs’ final conquest for oxygen

or in her eyelids shutting willing into surrender

there were no recaps of her best moments much less her whole life flashing through her eyes,

not even a dying wish

for drowning didn’t mean dying

-just simply coming home,

returning safely into the ocean floor

a few miles away where the gates of poseidon’s kingdom reign

or it was that, formality for a funeral years too late

she has long succumbed into the abyss

perhaps the whole time her breathing corpse

was the only thing afloat

the tragedy wasn’t found in appearing in the headlines as a teenage heartbreak turned statistic

once a lover friend daughter sister now no one, just a loss to mourn

-the tragedy was found on eyes fixated towards the ceiling, fluorescent lights staring down, mocking

whitewashed hospital walls surrounding her

and their supposed grief’s replaced by rejoicing in her wake

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I truly believe in this cause, and I find peace and community bonded enough through hardships and hormones, making our day to day way more motivating and understanding.

— art and notes by Maoi Lazaro

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the sound of daybreak, a town slowly coming alive

as you wonder if you still are

you count every breath you spend staring

at the ceiling, watching the corners collect dust

the small patches of dirt remind you of your sins

you wait for the quetiapine to wear off, as if it ever worked

the bad dreams are proof that you cannot trust

your own mind

survival, to you, is having to stay awake

Do not fight it, my mother recites

every night like a litany

she believes my soul can be salvaged

with a couple anticonvulsants and some prayers

but do miracles even work on an agnostic?

against the moonlight, your scars look like abstract work of art

everyone pretends to understand

your sleeve of shame, your greatest asset

—the best thing about you used to be your pain

Do not fight it, your ghosts tell you

recovery is a lie; the chemicals won’t kill us

try to recall the right way to pray:

oh, Saint Lamictal, help me get through tonight and flush me

with a wave of calm

dear Saint Seroquel, teach me how to forget

the horror of watching my soul’s slow decay

forgive me—

i still cannot forgive myself

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Listen to Part 1 here:

Listen to Part 2 here:

Mental Health Hour is a podcast community composed of Mental Health PH, Light Your Way, Tala Mental Wellness and Silakbo PH. As organizations, we each choose a topic we would like to highlight and then take turns producing a podcast episode based on said topic.

Credits
Our podcast episode is hosted by Silakbo members Katha Estopace and Paolo Vergara. Guest speakers are Benny Tañedo, Paul Capurcos, Judith Naranjilla, and Jason Ruiz.
Original music was provided by Axel De Lumen. Listen to his music here. Sound production was done by Paolo Vergara, Axel De Lumen, and Rissa Coronel.
Art by Paolo Vergara.
Special thanks to Ethan Colchester, Richalaine Alcantara, and the rest of the Silakbo PH Podcast Volunteer team for their input and assistance.

References

 E.D. Lindsay & H. Rogers. (2010). The Relationship between Reported Workload, Stress and Employment Levels in First-Year Engineering Students, Australasian Journal of Engineering Education, 16:2, 167-179

Lie, H., et al. (2012) ‘’Suicide Behavior among Junior High School. Students in Philippines and Indonesia Associated with the Social Factors’’ GSTF International Journal of BioSciences

Quintos, M. A. (2017) ‘’Prevalence of Suicide Ideation and Suicide Attempts among the Filipino Youth and Its Relationship with the Family Unit’’ Asia Pacific Journal of Multidisciplinary Research

Redaniel, M. T., et al., ‘’Suicide in the Philippines: time trend analysis (1974-2005) and literature review’’ BMC Public Health

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Credits

Our podcast episode is hosted by Regina Mison, with special guest artists Art Dioxide and Tired Onigiri, and Silakbo members Katha Estopace, Tracey Dela Cruz, Paolo Vergara and Rissa Coronel.

Guest stories were provided by Ada Tabanao, Ana Cunanan, Dara Eoy, Amabel Sumabat and Celestine Trinidad.

Original music was provided by Axel De Lumen. Sound production was done by Paolo Vergara, Axel De Lumen and Rissa Coronel.

Special thanks to Ethan Colchester, Bea Joson, Belle Mapa, Hanna Padilla, Richalaine Alcantara, and the rest of the Silakbo PH Podcast Volunteer team for their input and assistance.

Sources and Additional Resources

​Stuckey, H., & Nobel, J. (2010). The Connection Between Art, Healing, and Public Health: A Review of Current Literature. American Journal Of Public Health, 100(2), 254-263. http://dx.doi.org/10.2105/ajph.2008.156497

Zaidel, D. W. (2014). Creativity, brain, and art: biological and neurological considerations. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 8, 389. http://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00389

http://www.arttherapyblog.com/c/mental-health/

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/gallery/2016/sep/19/taking-over-the-asylum-art-made-at-bedlam-and-beyond-in-pictures

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/arts-and-health/201109/art-and-happiness%3Famp

Psychological Benefits of Art Therapy

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ATENDEES: Professionals and advocates alike ask for the gift of the Philippine Mental Health Law. Photo credit: Kate Alvarez of SOS Philippines

Different Voices

ADVOCATES: Valene Lagunzad of Buhay Community, Chris Pino of Project LAAN, Rissa Coronel of Silakbo PH and Kate Alvarez of SOS Philippines. Photo credit: Kate Alvarez of SOS Philippines

The panel consisted of Dr. Rene Samaniego and Dr. June Lopez of the Philippine Psychiatric Association, Bong Jizon of Bukas Puso at Isip Support Group and Filipino Families for Mental Health, Bolet Bautista of the Psychological Association of the Philippines, Patrick Wincy Reyes of the Youth for Mental Health Coalition. The discussion was facilitated by Cassie Deluria of the Youth for Mental Health Coalition.

Bong Jizon shared his mental health story and the several difficulties he went through to finally seek proper treatment. “Right now, I’m managing my ups and downs and am more successful now.”

Dr. June Lopez emphasized the disconnect between the stigma and statistics:

Patrick Wincy Reyes pointed out that many of us have friends or loved ones suffering from mental health issues, and thanks advocacy groups that spread awareness on them: “It’s a step towards attaining that. You don’t have to be a psychologist to advocate for mental health- you just have to have an open mind and the willingness to be the voice of the unheard… implementing it into law will reach the farthest provinces in ways that are very concrete.”

Dr. Bolet Bautista respectfully asked the help of representatives to pass the long overdue Philippine Mental Health Bill: “When you approve the bill, you give the Filipino people one big, beautiful gift, for it is one that will benefit all Filipinos in a most profound way.”

Mental Health for Everyone

Mental health is not just the absence of illness, nor is it only a matter for people with diagnosed mental health conditions. As defined in the bill, it is “a state of psychosocial well-being in which individuals realize their own abilities adequately with the normal stresses of life, display resilience in the face of extreme life events, work productively and fruitfully, and are able to make positive contributions to the community.”

Community-based prevention programs at the barangay level will be implemented to promote mental wellness, such as meditation, home visits, family support, growth groups, art therapy and dance therapy. It will also promote capacity-building with local mental health workers with facilities and university hospitals.

Dr. Bautista pointed out that the bill is for the protection and promotion of every Filipino:

Key points: the Philippine Mental Health Bill

Awareness alone is not enough: the Philippines is one of the only Southeast Asian countries left without a mental health law.

Some of the mandates of the bill in its current state include: the establishment of a National Mental Health Council to improve access to services and community-based prevention programs, and the accountability of concerned government agencies (e.g. the Department of Health, Department of Justice, Commission on Human Rights). It also mandates the establishment of a complaint mechanism against abuse of individuals with mental health disorders, mental health education programs in all levels, and research support.

The Philippine Mental Health Bill is a rights-based bill, which means it protects both the rights of people with mental health needs, and the rights of all Filipinos. The rights of mental health service users, carers and professionals are articulated in the bill. Substance abuse and drug dependence are also defined as a psychological disorder, making it unjust to criminalize sufferers.

The importance of prevention and community-based programs was also underscored in the press conference. “The budget for mental health mainly goes into hospitals and tertiary care facilities, wherein those who are hospitalized already have severe problems,” Dr. Lopez said.

Also present at the press conference were members of the Philippine Psychiatric Association and Youth for Mental Health Coalition, as well as mental health advocates.

The Comprehensive Mental Health Bill, HB 6452, is expected to undergo its third and final reading once the Congress opens after the ASEAN Summit.

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